KinkyKolumn

Here's an example of criticism that doesn't involve a crowbar. Kudos to KinkyKolumn. This youtube video is wrongheaded, but entirely civilized.

The rambling, 7 minute vlog disses a popular kink site. According to KinkyKolumn, Collarme "offers nothing of substance". And what's more, Collarme "alerts everyone to your presence" the very second you sign on. Which is truly awful, apparently.

I don't understand why it's bad to let folks know you're online. Isn't that the point of a kink meet-up site? Meeting people? If you're looking for a partner, don't you want to alert folks to your presence? That might encourage them to read your full profile. Yanno, so you can find a happily ever after?

KinkyKolumn, if you don't want to be contacted by random strangers on Collarme because you're already collared, I have some suggestions. Don't advertise your true age (FYI: I'm 99). And don't post nude pics (FYI: I'm a pretty blue iris).

There is also the option of hiding your profile. That way you'll still be free to post on those forums without substance.

How Do I Convert My Vanilla Mate?

This question is frequently posted on collarme, a BDSM site I belong to. Asking some strangers on the Internet to provide a road map to kinkify a conventional partner implies there’s a magic bullet. There isn't. It's way hard. Every relationship, be it vanilla or kink, is specific and unique to those particular partners. The answer to the conversion question is as complex as the people involved.

Sometimes I’ll reply to these posts with general suggestions on how to "turn" a partner, because I’ve done it. Here's the difficulty: Success in kinkification takes character attributes nearly as scarce as that mythical magic bullet: patience and empathy and flexibility. And even with those traits, turning may never work. When I offer this advice on collarme, the response is often hostile. Conversion is supposed to be easy.

I also know what not to do. Here are the most common mistakes:

1. Entitlement. (“I want what I want. I’m more important than you.”) Good luck with that approach.

2. Bullying. (“This is what I want. Give it to me”). That’s a sure way to force the end of the relationship, or maybe even get a surprise visit by the cops.

3. Martyrdom. (“If you loved me, you would…”) Manipulation doesn’t work in the long run.

4. Childish tantrums and ultimatums. (“I refuse to live the rest my life as a vanilla.”) Be careful what you wish for.

Initiating "turning" requires small, slow steps. Perhaps your mate is curious about a particular action? Maybe your partner is motivated by your excitement, or the naughty danger? Your mate must be the leader in the first explorations. Offer a multitude of options, be a gentle guide. What fantasies does your partner have? Role-play? Bondage? Indulge them. Make it fun and sexy. And most of all, appreciate his or her efforts.

Kink Community Sites

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