Fifty Shades of Grey Movie: Theaters Say No to Props

Theaters showing Fifty Shades have been asking moviegoers to leave their “props” (like ties!) at home. Cinemas fear such props might make other guests “uncomfortable”.

I’m thinking the movie might make some people uncomfortable!

The Valentine’s Day release for this film is pretty strange. I pity the poor guy who is forced to see Fifty Shades with his girl. The movie is going to confuse him. He’ll be asking her, "you really want someone to do that to you?"

My advice to him: Take it slow, dude. Don’t try full-on film dominance. Otherwise, you'll be like the guy who is inspired by the Youtube video of the idiot who rides his bike off a roof onto a trampoline.  Many woman are turned on by the fantasy BDSM of Fifty Shades, but part of the appeal is that the Dominant is a super-handsome billionaire. See if a dabble of BDSM will do ya, kay?

You Know You Read Too Many Romances When… (A Top Ten List)

 

10. You're disappointed when the romance hero is only a millionaire.

9. Having sex on the back of a camel begins to seem plausible.

8. You respond to your man's amorous advances with, "Are you trying to bed me?"

7. You summarily dismiss any guy named Bob, Frank or Paul as a possible love interest.

6. You start thinking of real people as TSTL.

5. You expect 4+ orgasms every time you have sex with your own man.

4. Your passwords are all names of your favorite romance heroes.

3. You start saying "och" and you aren't even a Scot.

2. You know that a rake is more than a garden tool.

and most importantly,

1. You know at least 50 different synonyms for penis—including MWOP.

This list was compiled from amazon romance forum posts. Thank you, ladies!

Repost from Ainsley's blog (http://ainsleydavidson.blogspot.com/)
 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Back in May, I wrote about my reality show audition. As part of the process, I had to fill out tons of forms, including a detailed background questionnaire: When was the last time you used drugs? How many X-rated movies have you been in? Are you current on your child support payments... and so on. Filling out the forms were exhausting, and kind of painful, because they were intended for 25 year-olds. Contestants for these shows are evidently kids who actually know the e-mail addresses of their college roommates.

With all the work I put into getting on the show, I started getting really optimistic, and truly interested in the idea of changing the world and being on TV. My plan to just enjoy the experience went out the window. The show loves me! And I love the show! We were meant for each other! I spent a lot time imagining my new future.

Months went by, and I realized my love affair with the show was one-sided. The show did not pick me. The show did not love me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was actually mad. And then I was sad. And then I was all, "The show is gonna suck anyway, and besides, the show picked nothing but narcissistic, high-concept lack-wits." And then, finally, I accepted the rejection. I had a pretty happy non-Hollywood life before, and I would again.

Less than a week ago, I got a phone message from the show. My love needed me! I was thrilled and flattered. I knew the show was being filmed, and had heard there was some trouble with the contestants not following the rules. Happy that the show loved me again, I returned the call.

The show was, as I suspected, looking for alternates. Yes, I was still interested in being on the show. Yes, I could be ready as long as I got two weeks notice. But at the end of the day, I was massively irritated. Why had my great love returned? All the emotional work I did to get the show out of my heart and mind was wasted. I started dreaming about my new and exciting Hollywood future again. Which is nuts because the future is bleak: The young casting assistant who spoke to me knew only my name and number. Nothing else. Not the forms I'd already filled out, not what sort of person I was, not that I already had an audition "package". 

I'm pretty sure the show called me only because I'm an entry in a little black book. Some love. Heh. If anything exciting happens, I'll post an update. Otherwise, I'm going back to my happy non-Hollywood life.

YOLO: Reality Show Audition

We had a family emergency recently. It took days of hard physical labor to get things fixed up and back to normal. I returned to Colorado exhausted, keenly aware of my mortality and my limitations. When faced with such a gloomy realization, some people might turn to religion, or maybe drugs.

I auditioned for a TV reality adventure show.

I took my youngest daughter’s motto to heart: YOLO or You Only Live Once, and filled out a short online form. I made hay about being an erotic romance writer. I figured that would distinguish me from the multitude of personal trainers. I swept through the questions, my answers more snarky than pensive. Halfway through the questionnaire, I got my cheery back.

Not long after, I got a call from a producer/casting/assistant type of person, inviting me to an on camera interview. I went.

The on camera audition was an altogether unfamiliar, and lovely, experience. There were three young people in the room. Two transcribed what I said onto their laptops (I think that’s what they were doing), and another worked the camera and asked questions. The interviewer was empathetic and highly personable. I wondered what they were looking for.

I’ve always been goal-oriented. Concrete achievements are the measure of success. Like a degree. Or getting to the top of a mountain, or potty training a child, or getting a book published. I soon recognized that audition success had nothing to do with a curriculum vitae. Beyond the basics of my background, the casting folk just didn’t care.

They were looking for personality.

To get to the next round, I’d need to allow the producers to see some innate, inborn part of me. I’d have to pitch who I was, not what I’ve done. And I’d have to do it by showing, not telling. Was I funny? Intellectual? Judgmental? Adventurous? Psycho? Personality analysis happens during all job interviews, I suppose, but usually there’s a pretense of discussing skills and education. The purpose of a reality show interview is only to find people who’ll make good TV. Heh. We'll see how far I get. In any case, I'm having an adventure.

What Buffy Says About Writing

Thanks to http://whatshouldwecallgradschool.tumblr.com/post/68819594127/pep-talk-after-a-failed-experiment

I'm a Sad Football Fan

Where's my Tebow?

Football season is starting in earnest. I'm a long-time Broncos fan--in the loosest sense, as my knowledge of the game pretty well centers on the personalities of the players.

I saw this ad for an Ashton Drake doll, licensed by the NFL. This baby sums up my feelings. I'm a sad fan. I want my Tebow back. Now I'll have to comfort myself with longing looks at Champ Bailey.

Threesome Fantasy: Double Impact

I think this advertisement for Liquid-Plumr is hilarious. I just wish the heroine got to keep her initial plain look. Because feeling sexy isn't a matter of makeup, loose hair and 20/20 vision.

I Adore this Cover

Wouldn't this make a terrific erotic romance cover? Hunky, moody man with helmet hair, partly hidden in shadows. Yum. Actually, this image is being used in the Jockey underwear ads. The Jockey.com website was broken for several hours, presumably because too many people (i.e. women) wanted to see the debut of this shirtless image. Not surprisingly, Tim Tebow is spurring sales of women's Jockey underwear, too.

Good luck against the Patriots, Tim! I'll rooting for you and the Broncos.

Worship the V

Have you seen this advertisement for Summer's Eve called Hail to the V?



The ad's take home lesson: The vagina is the cradle of life. Cleopatra was revered because she had one. Men have fought for the V, and died for the V. Women should "show it a little love" by buying Summer's Eve.

My response: Women should be honored for more than their vagina. The cradle of life would be the womb, not the V. I have some very different ideas on how to show my V "a little love". Squirting it up with a cold liquid doesn't even make the top ten.

An Epic Achievement

Here's the latest in absurd e-book offerings. This "Epic" novel was heavily spammed on the fantasy forum on amazon, so I just had to go take a look. Epic: The Novel has splendid reviews--from fictitious entities like Booklust and Publishers Monthly. (Booklust is clever. I want a review from Booklust, too.) Epic also boasts many enthusiastic reader reviews, who may or may not be fake.

However. Epic: The Novel is 4 pages long. The author says it's a joke. Really? Then this digital scrap should be free, not $2.99.

Let's dish about the cover: Is that man vomiting on that woman's chest? Or is he a vampire? Is the woman being burned at the stake? Or are these Mayans? So does that mean the world is going to end in 2012? Only the author knows for sure. The book doesn't have a description, just spectacular reviews. I do like the moon (asteroid?), though.

This is the $7,683.96 Book You've Been Looking For

The $7,683.96 dollar reference book is titled Selected Nuclear Materials and Engineering Systems (Landolt-Börnstein: Numerical Data and Functional Relationships in Science and Technology - New Series / Physical Chemistry).

This 520 page hardcover is available from amazon. (Only one left in stock. More on the way!) For $7,683.96 you get a dry compilation of phase diagrams for radioactive alloys of uranium and plutonium: see the figure above right. Such phase diagrams are probably important for making atomic bombs. Perhaps a Kindle edition would be easier to read than the 3+ pound hardback, but sadly the ebook is no longer an option. Perhaps too many folks downloaded the ebook as a joke and then returned it. Or maybe the phase diagrams weren't visible as gray on gray.

In any case, the (fake) five star reviews are hilarious. Here's one of my favorites:

Transcending Stereotypes

I know what you're thinking : crystallographic and thermodynamic data of ternary alloy systems is a such a hackneyed plot device. But Landolt-Börnstein work their magic in such a subtle and layered way that at 3am when you are reading just one more page, you suddenly realise how they have completely turned everything on its head and produced the most breathtakingly original work. Not to mention the most spellbinding.

It is a little lightweight on the intellectual side and perhaps should be included in the tweens section, but overall well worth 5 stars. I got it before the 20% discount became available and am delighted. So it really is an absolute steal right now.

Gamesters of Triskelion

I've been reading an interesting discussion about the BDSM symbol on my favorite kink site. For those who aren't familiar with the emblem, it's a flowy, three-spoked yin yang type of image, often called a triskelion. Someone named Quagmyr claims he designed the logo. He says he created the emblem to allow BDSMers fearing persecution to secretly identify themselves to each other. (Because quickly jumping into the chains with a complete stranger is the true BDSM way, evidently.) Further, Quagmyr asserts that he and his friends conceived the symbol in the mid-1990s in a chat area. (I would think chat would preclude the creation of a piece of visual art.) But Quagmyr insists he copyrighted the emblem, and you'd better pay him if you want to use the symbol.

He's dead serious. According to some sources, Quagmyr extorted products (mainly jewelry) from small online businesses as payment for the use of his "copyrighted" symbol. He allegedly demanded payment for years. It appears he used the copyright scam to ensure his own BDSM-symbol jewelry monopoly.

Quagmyr directs BDSM non-profits who wish to use the symbol to publish a specific copyright notice, reproduced here:

The BDSM Emblem is copyright 1995 by Quagmyr@aol.com
who maintains the copyright in order to protect the symbol. It is
freely available for all educational and non-commercial use
within the BDSM community without charge.

Even the copyright notice is copyrighted! I'm not an intellectual property lawyer, but I believe copyrights can only be issued to people or corporations, not e-mail addresses. I suppose nobody ever told Quagmyr@aol.com that. Especially not the copyright office. I'm also wondering if one can have selective copyright. Isn't permitting non-profits to use a symbol the same as public domain?

And here's the kicker: the BDSM emblem has rich antecedents in Celtic as well as Eastern symbolism. It would be impossible to copyright something used by humanity for millennia. (The graphic above shows a scene from the original Star Trek show. A stylized, angular version of the triskelion was used as the symbol for a planet of fighting slaves.)

In the same amusing vein--and trumping Quagmyr--is this bit of news: The acronym BDSM has evidently been trademarked by Business Development University in PA. Are you interested in getting certified in BDSMTM? This year-long Certification 401 series will set you back $12,000, and is intended for

the Successful Sales Person who is looking to learn Leadership and Management skills to advance his or her career. This comprehensive program of classroom, coaching and practicum will prepare the Professional to manage and motivate Sales Teams, understand corporate dynamics and enhance their own sales techniques and process as well.

I like the part about learning leadership and management skills... and dynamics and processes.