I regularly donate blood. I'm donate at the local hospital blood bank. I'm healthy and I figure somebody's got to do it. Donation is a formal process. I make an appointment, and then drive across town, followed by answering invasive questions about my travel and sexual history.
The last few years brought a distinct change to this particular blood bank environment. It's a management issue. It starts with the receptionist. Recently, the receptionist glared up at me and asked, "Do you need something?" She acted as if I was a homeless person come to use the bathroom. I explained I was there to donate blood, which evidently she was not expecting. The bank was also not expecting a Bronco fan. I was ushered into another room where the walls were plastered with Steelers paraphernalia. The blood bank had become a mancave. I was stunned by the lack of professionalism.
The person who would do the blood draw was training another phlebotomist. The "experienced" phlebotomist started the training by taking an inkless pen to scratch my skin. "This is where I will take the blood," she told the new one. I was speechless. Who pre-injures like that? Then the "experienced" one started showing the other worker various pieces of equipment on the floor. The new phlebotomist, kneeling on the floor, kept brushing her head on my hand as she examined the equipment. I like to pet dogs and cats--but not strangers. I pulled my hand away, grossed out. The "experienced" phlebotomist then yelled at me for moving. Evidently, my scratched skin no longer acurately reflected the vein she had decided on. Luckily, the blood draw went okay. Except the phlebotomist pair had to go run off to have lunch so I never got the usual survey about my experience to take home. After donating, I sat at a table to drink cranberry juice, have some snacks and read the newspaper. A different worker (the Steeler's fan?) came over to me and said, "Is there something I can help you with?" Again I was a homeless person. This time I'd wandered in the blood bank and was stealing food. I ignored her, seriously annoyed. She grabbed my peanut wrapper from the table and huffed off.
This sequential hostility and lack of professionalism had an impact. I was reluctant to donate again. I stalled for months. I finally convinced myself the world needed my (rather ordinary) blood. I vowed that if at any point I was mistreated I would walk out.
So I returned to the blood bank a few weeks ago. Unfortunately. So I showed the phlebotomist where I normally get a draw. She ignored my suggestion. Instead she said she'd found a vein she liked better. She summarily stuck the needle in the crook of my elbow. I felt a horrible sting travel from my arm all the way down to my hand. I nearly fainted. In all the years of donation, I had never felt anything like that. I told her it really hurt. She did nothing. She didn't reposition the needle at all. She merely asked me if it was feeling better. I went through the donation in pain. I shouldn't have. Because she injured a nerve.
Nerve injuries take a long time to heal. If they ever do. For more than 10 days, my hand alternated between numbness and sparking electrical pain. The weakness in my hand was so profound that I couldn't even grasp a fork to cut meat. I couldn't fold clothes, dance, put away dishes, make beds. I couldn't lift anything. Everything took twice as long.
It's been almost three weeks and the nerve still hasn't grown back completely. My hand strength is back though, making my life easier, but I still have residual pain and numbness in my hand. I won't be donating blood there again.
I think there's an attitude by some organizations that carelessness toward volunteers is just fine. They believe that volunteers have a such a strong need for service that merely satisfying that need is good enough. It's not. It's true that I enjoy service, there are plenty of other ways I can volunteer. My ordinary blood will be appreciated somewhere else.
This holds a lesson for BDSM practitioners. Service and submission may be an intense need, but that desire shouldn't be abused. The sub can easily find somebody else to serve.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Is Online BDSM Real?
I'm one of those people who doesn't regard BDSM as being a more intellectual form of sex, or a superior sort of interaction. It's a relationship. Rules of emotion still apply. For that reason, examining long distance relationships of all kinds can be informative.
Consider Manti Teo. A gifted Notre Dame football linebacker, he fell in love with a girl he never met. They had a many months long distance relationship. It turned out the girl didn't exist. She was an elaborate fiction created by a male acquaintance of Manti's. That doesn't make Manti gullible, it makes him a person of imagination and faith. His victimizer (aka a "catfish") was skilled and sensitive, but fundamentally cruel.
Exploitation in long distance relationships is a favorite topic of Dr. Phil. He focuses on women who are highly susceptible to flattery and attention. The catfish ensnares by setting up a fake online profile with stolen pictures, and sends the woman poems plagiarized from the Internet. These desperate women respond with love--and money. Long-distance exploitation happens in the kink world, too. They're called financial Dommes or loser Doms, not catfish. Perhaps my attitude is elitist, but a sub shouldn't send a Dominant money. Ever. A true Dominant will have his or her affairs in order. Why surrender control to someone who is unethical? Why submit to someone who doesn't have their act together?
Maintaining long-distance relationships of any kind is tough, even for established couples. My husband and I once endured an 18 month separation. I'd moved cross country to the East coast to take a temporary job. He remained on the West coast. The whole experience was pretty awful. We were dirt poor and couldn't afford lots of phone calls. But we were committed to the relationship. We persevered. Fast forward a few years. The Internet came along. I experimented with cybersex. I had a blast, never fucking the same person twice. I had zero emotional connection to these guys (if they were guys). To my mind, cybersex was no different than improv, or enjoying a hot romance novel. But I soon discovered that my husband viewed my erotic entertainment as cheating. He certainly thought online was real. Of course I quit. As a side note, my frustrated desire to create cybersex scenes may well be the reason I write erotic romance now. It's a good thing my husband doesn't believe writing stories for a non-interactive audience is cheating.
Though I don't have any solutions on how to maintain online interactions, they can absolutely be real. They are as real as the care, sincerity, creativity and devotion of the participants. Kink or no.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Vaniller Thriller
About five years ago I wrote a science thriller. It had a lot of sex in it. I sent it off to agents and was stoked when two really, really famous agents (and dozens of regular agents) agreed to look at the manuscript. The famous ones even gave me some valuable advice--along with their rejections. I was flattered and grateful. Ultimately nobody wanted to represent me, though. All except for the one lady who offered me representation halfway through reading the book. When she finished the novel, she said, "never mind".
Over the years I've been trying to make the book less of a "never mind". I started by reading and analyzing a bunch of science-type thrillers. I deleted a lot of the sex (sadly). Then I devised a mystical Dan Brown type subplot (not involving the Vatican or the Masons, thank you). I also toughened up my female protagonist. I finally finished refining the final draft of this lean and action-packed novel a few weeks ago.
When I'm close to finishing a story, I always have a recurring dream. I dream about packing stuff into boxes. In real life, filling up boxes for a move is an exhausting pain in the ass. But my packing dreams are anticipatory, pleasurable--a metaphor for the excitement of moving on to another project.
Unfortunately, this time, my packing dream was premature. When I collected all the chapters, and did a word count of my thriller, I discovered it was only 66,000 words! That's way too short for a modern thriller. I tried to tell myself a short novel was okay. After all, Michael Crichton's debut, The Andromeda Strain was 66,000 words too.
It's a bad idea for a writer to make up excuses for why it's okay to buck trends, or to compare oneself to some long-time, bestselling author. So after a day-long delusion, I gave up on pretending I was the new Crichton. It's back to the computer to bulk up my novel. I'll invent a few more characters, add a bit of fluff. I'm hoping to finish up my thriller in the next couple of weeks.
Then I'll return to writing some sexy (and short) BDSM novellas. I can't wait!
Over the years I've been trying to make the book less of a "never mind". I started by reading and analyzing a bunch of science-type thrillers. I deleted a lot of the sex (sadly). Then I devised a mystical Dan Brown type subplot (not involving the Vatican or the Masons, thank you). I also toughened up my female protagonist. I finally finished refining the final draft of this lean and action-packed novel a few weeks ago.
When I'm close to finishing a story, I always have a recurring dream. I dream about packing stuff into boxes. In real life, filling up boxes for a move is an exhausting pain in the ass. But my packing dreams are anticipatory, pleasurable--a metaphor for the excitement of moving on to another project.
Unfortunately, this time, my packing dream was premature. When I collected all the chapters, and did a word count of my thriller, I discovered it was only 66,000 words! That's way too short for a modern thriller. I tried to tell myself a short novel was okay. After all, Michael Crichton's debut, The Andromeda Strain was 66,000 words too.
It's a bad idea for a writer to make up excuses for why it's okay to buck trends, or to compare oneself to some long-time, bestselling author. So after a day-long delusion, I gave up on pretending I was the new Crichton. It's back to the computer to bulk up my novel. I'll invent a few more characters, add a bit of fluff. I'm hoping to finish up my thriller in the next couple of weeks.
Then I'll return to writing some sexy (and short) BDSM novellas. I can't wait!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Extreme Writer's Block
I suppose most writers have trouble writing now and again. I've blogged about some small cures for writer's block. I'm blocked sometimes. I get sick of rewriting and rewriting and rewriting, or life gets in the way. Often it's just laziness and aversion to pain. Like most writers, I push through. But some folks just can't. I have two acquaintances like that.
I know a woman who planned to write an autobiography. She had an extraordinary past, well worth reading about. She proudly told her children she was writing the book for them. She collected files and created a special room to write in. But she didn't write. Decades after making the choice to be a writer, her files and special room stand dusty and unused. She tells her children she has writer's block.
And then there's a man who tells his family he's going to write a travel book about certain sacred religious sites being destroyed by parking lot style progress. It's an important and controversial project. His family is in awe. They call it "His Book"--in caps. He quit his job to spend three years exploring these holy places. And three years after that? Not one word on a page. He also says he has writer's block.
Given that I get a lesser form of the malady, you'd think I'd be sympathetic. But I'm not. These folks are trying to collect on prestige they aren't entitled to. It's a form of narcissism. How long can a writer have writer's block before they shouldn't call themselves a writer? I'm not sure. But it's not years. It's not decades. If writer's block is so severe that it's paralyzing, then do something else! Don't call yourself a writer. There are plenty of other, easier ways to be creative or to give life meaning. The supposed status of being a writer comes with a high price. The actual work is often tedious and hard (and rejected).
Grandiose delusion from fake achievement bugs me. It's commonplace, though. Like when folks say they have a master's degree--having done everything but the thesis. Huh? Isn't writing the thesis important? Isn't that proof of successful study? Hey, if the actual thesis is irrelevant, I want me some admiration for being an Olympic-quality sprinter. I've got everything but the speed.
Best wishes for the new year!
I know a woman who planned to write an autobiography. She had an extraordinary past, well worth reading about. She proudly told her children she was writing the book for them. She collected files and created a special room to write in. But she didn't write. Decades after making the choice to be a writer, her files and special room stand dusty and unused. She tells her children she has writer's block.
And then there's a man who tells his family he's going to write a travel book about certain sacred religious sites being destroyed by parking lot style progress. It's an important and controversial project. His family is in awe. They call it "His Book"--in caps. He quit his job to spend three years exploring these holy places. And three years after that? Not one word on a page. He also says he has writer's block.
Given that I get a lesser form of the malady, you'd think I'd be sympathetic. But I'm not. These folks are trying to collect on prestige they aren't entitled to. It's a form of narcissism. How long can a writer have writer's block before they shouldn't call themselves a writer? I'm not sure. But it's not years. It's not decades. If writer's block is so severe that it's paralyzing, then do something else! Don't call yourself a writer. There are plenty of other, easier ways to be creative or to give life meaning. The supposed status of being a writer comes with a high price. The actual work is often tedious and hard (and rejected).
Grandiose delusion from fake achievement bugs me. It's commonplace, though. Like when folks say they have a master's degree--having done everything but the thesis. Huh? Isn't writing the thesis important? Isn't that proof of successful study? Hey, if the actual thesis is irrelevant, I want me some admiration for being an Olympic-quality sprinter. I've got everything but the speed.
Best wishes for the new year!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
New Ebook Publishing Partnership: Cosmo Red Hot Reads from Harlequin
Harlequin and
Cosmopolitan magazine have just announced a new partnership to publish novella-length eBooks. Called Cosmo Red Hot Reads
from Harlequin, this digital first series will launch May 2013.
Red Hot Reads is actively looking for authors who can write the Cosmopolitan fun, fearless female sensibility in a contemporary sexy romance.
Writing guidelines can be found at www.harlequin.com/harlequincosmo.
Red Hot Reads is actively looking for authors who can write the Cosmopolitan fun, fearless female sensibility in a contemporary sexy romance.
Writing guidelines can be found at www.harlequin.com/harlequincosmo.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Critique Me Maybe
I've been member of a lot of critique groups over the years. With only one exception, I valued each and every critique, even if I thought it was wrong, or when the critique was just a scattering of smiley faces. Their comments or glyphs--as a whole--made me a better writer.
To keep a critique group healthy, the critiquee (the official writerly term is "victim"), must shut up and listen to the critiquer. Not explain, not clarify, not defend. The basis for this "shut up rule" is that a writer can't be standing over every reader's shoulder to explain what they really meant. If a critiquer says some passage doesn't make sense, maybe it doesn't make sense.
I just recently dropped out of my critique group because the "shut up rule" wasn't followed. Frankly, I don't care if a writer rejects my advice. My comments are opinion, not truth. My issue with defensiveness is that it wastes way too much time.
One group member would always respond to suggestions with long, drawn out descriptions of back story--not in the novel. Another member spent a lot of time telling us what would happen in the next chapter and how that would fix the problems in the current one. She would also say "Since two of you said this was a problem in my manuscript, it must be a problem." Like critique is the same thing as an election. When confronted with her defensive behavior, she told us her other critique group knew that she wasn't being defensive when she did stuff like that, so she assumed she would always get a pass on the shut up rule. She was defensive about being defensive. She would also grunt her approval or disapproval at critiques directed to another member. I absolutely hated that.
Anyone who's in a critique group should, of course, decide if the critiques are valuable. Take it or leave it, burn it or worship it. But they should do it on their own time. If a victim requires postmortem analysis or cleansing rituals, they should do it afterwards, not during.
Clarifying or rationalizing or interrupting during a critique group meeting insults the process.
Psychology Today: Do You Get Defensive When You Get Feedback?
For a great example of how not to respond to critique, see: Why Isn't My Book Selling? 1/1 Jihad Britain
To keep a critique group healthy, the critiquee (the official writerly term is "victim"), must shut up and listen to the critiquer. Not explain, not clarify, not defend. The basis for this "shut up rule" is that a writer can't be standing over every reader's shoulder to explain what they really meant. If a critiquer says some passage doesn't make sense, maybe it doesn't make sense.
I just recently dropped out of my critique group because the "shut up rule" wasn't followed. Frankly, I don't care if a writer rejects my advice. My comments are opinion, not truth. My issue with defensiveness is that it wastes way too much time.
One group member would always respond to suggestions with long, drawn out descriptions of back story--not in the novel. Another member spent a lot of time telling us what would happen in the next chapter and how that would fix the problems in the current one. She would also say "Since two of you said this was a problem in my manuscript, it must be a problem." Like critique is the same thing as an election. When confronted with her defensive behavior, she told us her other critique group knew that she wasn't being defensive when she did stuff like that, so she assumed she would always get a pass on the shut up rule. She was defensive about being defensive. She would also grunt her approval or disapproval at critiques directed to another member. I absolutely hated that.
Anyone who's in a critique group should, of course, decide if the critiques are valuable. Take it or leave it, burn it or worship it. But they should do it on their own time. If a victim requires postmortem analysis or cleansing rituals, they should do it afterwards, not during.
Clarifying or rationalizing or interrupting during a critique group meeting insults the process.
Psychology Today: Do You Get Defensive When You Get Feedback?
For a great example of how not to respond to critique, see: Why Isn't My Book Selling? 1/1 Jihad Britain
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Samhain Publishing's Seventh Anniversary!
In celebration of their anniversary, Samhain Publishing has commissioned a cute and sexy video on "How to download an e-book".
I laughed out loud.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
BDSM Collars: Definitions
The BDSM collar is a symbol of being owned. Collars are often described as the BDSM analogue of a wedding ring. Certainly, a collar can indicate a strong level of commitment and care, but it doesn't have to. Just like the concept of slavery, ownership means different things to different people.
Sometimes an owner will hold a formal collaring ceremony, with friends and family as witnesses. More often it's private. And once in awhile a collaring is completely virtual. These collaring rituals can be romantic, crude or beyond gross, just like the people involved. Sometimes Master and slave will just spontaneously go off collar shopping.
A catty term that's used frequently by BDSM practitioners is the “Velcro collar”. A Velcro collar snaps off and on quickly. It's a contemptuous phrase describing a collar for folks who don't take the whole relationship thing seriously, and hop from one interaction to the another. A Velcro collar is quite different from a "play collar", which is a fun toy for Master/slave roleplay.
Another sort of collar is the "collar of consideration". This jewelry marks out ownership territory without any ownership commitment. The collar is supposed to scare off other suitors. It has nothing in common with an engagement ring. It's not a promise. It's a plan B, while the potential Master looks for a better slave. I don't respect people who resort to (or consent to) such nonsense.
An acquaintance of mine was looking to be owned, and was speaking to a potential Master in another city. He wanted to temporarily mark her as his, just in case she turned out to be good enough. He ordered her to wear a "collar of consideration" before she went to a BDSM event. And he even demanded that she get her own! She made her collar out of twine and ribbon. She was mighty proud of it. But I thought the guy was rotten and lazy. Needless to say, that relationship didn't progress very far.
A Master who wants the status of a collared slave but doesn't care enough about the symbolism to actually supply a collar, is telling the world loud and clear how well he'll treat her when she's well and truly owned.
The collar pictured above is available online from the Chain Gang.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Good Toy, Bad Toy
EL James is teaming up with the erotic website Lovehoney to launch a collection of 50 Shades-inspired sex toys. I think it's amusing. I also believe it's a good thing. Whatever encourages couples to experiment with some kinky loving is fine by me.
However, there's been some blogger criticism of this sex toy collection, along the lines of "That's not a real BDSM toy."
My take on BDSM (and, by extension, toys) is that the interaction should be fun for both parties. There's no "lifestyle directive" that prohibits certain toys because they are too soft and fluffy. So what if the 50 Shades paddle is padded? It is likely to make a nice smacking sound. In fact, some folks think the best BDSM scenes involve mindfucks. Sounds are legitimate tools for the mindfuck. And maybe an expensive, light-hearted bag'o'toys will be the gateway to bigger and better things. Or not. It doesn't matter, as long as everybody is enjoying themselves.
My husband (recall, he's a converted vanilla) once bought us a blue suede flogger. I was charmed. The thing is cute and pretty. It doesn't really work well for our purposes, but I'm grateful that he bought it. It's the kind of small step that should be encouraged in a vanilla conversion.
My take on BDSM (and, by extension, toys) is that the interaction should be fun for both parties. There's no "lifestyle directive" that prohibits certain toys because they are too soft and fluffy. So what if the 50 Shades paddle is padded? It is likely to make a nice smacking sound. In fact, some folks think the best BDSM scenes involve mindfucks. Sounds are legitimate tools for the mindfuck. And maybe an expensive, light-hearted bag'o'toys will be the gateway to bigger and better things. Or not. It doesn't matter, as long as everybody is enjoying themselves.
My husband (recall, he's a converted vanilla) once bought us a blue suede flogger. I was charmed. The thing is cute and pretty. It doesn't really work well for our purposes, but I'm grateful that he bought it. It's the kind of small step that should be encouraged in a vanilla conversion.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Kickstarter: A Fishy Story
Kickstarter is a funding platform for creative projects. Ideally, the crowd-sourcing site could encourage arty diversity by supplying money for risky, non-commercial endeavors. But is that actually happening? I'm not so sure.
A "sci-fi fantasy" novel called The Drowning World is one of the projects begging for backers.
In this first-person story, a mermaid from Aquantis heads to the coast on a spy mission. She'll ultimately fall in love with a human man, and have to make difficult choices. This particular little mermaid speaks in modern teenage
colloqialisms such as "This would be a test unlike any other I'd ever
aced," and has a talking dolphin sidekick.
The kick-startee Brenda Peterson is asking for $5,000 from backers. She's reached that goal--and more. She needs the money to pay the best professional editors, designers, and proofreaders to polish her self-pubbed book.
You, too, can help her! Back her for $15 or more, you'll get a copy of the mermaid book. If you pledge $500 or more, Peterson will read 50 pages of your manuscript and give you a writing consultation! Yes. She'll edit. That's pretty nervy. Peterson isn't good enough to edit her own self-pubbed book, but she'll charge you $500 bucks.
In any case, 19 pages of the novel are now available on amazon for 2.99. That's right. 2.99 for a snippet. I wonder how much the entire Kickstarter-backed novel is going to cost.
A "sci-fi fantasy" novel called The Drowning World is one of the projects begging for backers.
The kick-startee Brenda Peterson is asking for $5,000 from backers. She's reached that goal--and more. She needs the money to pay the best professional editors, designers, and proofreaders to polish her self-pubbed book.
You, too, can help her! Back her for $15 or more, you'll get a copy of the mermaid book. If you pledge $500 or more, Peterson will read 50 pages of your manuscript and give you a writing consultation! Yes. She'll edit. That's pretty nervy. Peterson isn't good enough to edit her own self-pubbed book, but she'll charge you $500 bucks.
In any case, 19 pages of the novel are now available on amazon for 2.99. That's right. 2.99 for a snippet. I wonder how much the entire Kickstarter-backed novel is going to cost.
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